when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
