I'm really into asian looking animals
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
