dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
