New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
