you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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