Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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