does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
