On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
