Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
