We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
