you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
