he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
