For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
