The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
