I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
