he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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