Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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