hotel room ftw
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
