New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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