i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
