One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Randomize
