I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
