Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
