Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
This is my gift to your gina
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Dicks are not precious.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Is that strawberry winking at me??
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
