i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
