I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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