I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize
