i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
