Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
