hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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