I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
