I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
