woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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