Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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