So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Randomize
