I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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