you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
