Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
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