just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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