I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Randomize
