Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
