Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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