Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Your cock deserves a montage
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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