Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
