After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
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