I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
