My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
