so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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