**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Randomize
