remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
