I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
